Worst ever reference to the DHS

 - 
07/30/2008
Okay, maybe I'm feeling a little salty today, but for some reason I just couldn't let this article pass without comment. Does it have anything to do with security? Um, not really. Actually, it's about protecting your lawn from pests. However, bear with me as far as reading the opening paragraph: Most of us have heard of the Homeland Security Act. This legislation protects us from undercover plots to undermine security at home and abroad. Homeland Security agents watch for subversive influences and seek to stop them in their tracks. Actually, no, the Homeland Security Act of 2002 was largely a bureaucratic maneuvering to bring together a number of smaller agencies into one super agency, the newly created Department of Homeland Security. But, whatever. This is a bad lead for an article about protecting your lawn. It just is. I guess I more dislike these next paragraphs: Though not nearly as vital to public security, perhaps it would be nice to have a HomeYard Security Act. These agents would look for threats to the security and health of home yards. If there was a HomeYard Security Act, this might be one of their recent reports: What on earth are "home yards?" In order for this excruciating metaphor to work, there has to be someone in the world who talks about things called home yards. Otherwise the simile Homeland Security is like HomeYard security doesn't really work, does it? I'm not sure why this bothers me so much, but it does. Now let's read the report: Recently, HomeYard Security Agents have uncovered an underground plot to destroy central Georgia lawns! This is a covert action, going on immediately under our feet, though few know about this planned invasion. As you read this communique, two major lawn enemies may be making plans now to destroy area turf in fall 2008 and spring 2009. Investigators have identified two major threats: mole crickets and white grubs. These are recurring security threats. They typically begin their life cycle quietly in May through July with the major lawn damage occurring in the fall and spring. Once they are in major attack mode, they are hard to combat. Ha, ha! That is so incredibly funny! I love it when people take a very serious situation, like people dying in horrible bombing attacks, and use it to waste space in an article about something utterly mundane, like your lawn, that they don't really have anything to say about. Because, of course, these mole crickets and white grubs are totally new things that have never existed before and this article is of vital importance to people everywhere who care about their lawns. You know what would be an appropriate lede (that's journalism spelling) for this story? Having trouble with patchy areas in your lawn? Maybe you've got mole crickets and white grubs. But don't worry, they're pretty easy to get rid of. Here's how. But instead we get 200 words of garbage about HomeYard security. Why? I weep for the state of modern newspapers. You may now return to whatever important thing you were doing.