In one of those stories that would seem like an April Fool's prank if it wasn't so easy to believe, Wired has a story today about the new "pain beam," which uses microwaves to zap people and cause their flesh to scream out with burning pain. They're talking about using it on the battlefield, to quell riots, and, you know, for residential home security. Check the story's lead: Burglars break into an apartment, hoping to pick up some expensive electronics or jewelry. But they're out again, empty-handed, within seconds, howling with pain and surprise. They've been driven back by waves of intolerable heat: Entering the apartment is like stepping into a furnace. It's the Active Denial System, or ADS, at work, the ultimate in home protection ... among other uses. Yeah, well, better hope your teenager doesn't try to sneak into the house in the middle of the night. He'd get some surprise! And just think what happens when you key in the wrong passcode! Yizz-ow! Here's how Raytheon sees using it in commercial/industrial settings: In one implementation, beam projectors are "located on the ceiling, at an angle, behind wall panels," and a series of metallic reflectors, also concealed, ensure that the beam covers the whole room. "In some embodiments, the energy may be directed to protect an item at one or more particular locations," the patent reads. "In these embodiments, systems may be used to guard a valuable item such as jewelry, weapons, or works or art. Luckily, these things still cost millions of dollars. I'm not sure I'm ready for residential pain beams.